One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Reverb 10, Day 1)
I only heard about Reverb 10 just two days ago, so I am a little behind on my prompts.
Why "muddle?" The word seems to encompass all that I've felt throughout the year. Muddle has a feel to it. Don't you just feel the plodding, the uncertainty, the confusion just reading the word, saying it to yourself? I do.
2010 began with a whimper, a whine, and a seriously muddled mind. Anger. Lack of sleep. Frustration. I was struggling not to take my feelings out on my husband and son. My son, who was not sleeping more than twenty minutes at a time in his crib, was an adorable, but frustrating creature continually mocking my need for peace, quiet, and alone time.
Somehow, some way, sanity prevailed. We all began getting more sleep.
Although I was less angry, I continued to be frustrated. When do I get to THINK?
The year has been punctuated by brief bursts of energy as I try to jam little bits of something into the nooks and crannies of my days. Everything I did was rushed. Taking photographs, I'd cut corners, forget to wait for the "right" moment, fail to set things up exactly as I desired, and ultimately, end up rushing dinner, yelling at my child, forgetting the groceries, knocking my camera off the desk. You name it. I put off doing important things like the doctor, the vet, making dinner, changing the oil in the car, cleaning the house. I would make grocery lists only to lose them seconds before walking out the door. I would cut coupons only to have them sit unused for months in my bag. I would run out the door without wipes, diapers, water. And often, I would run out the door LATE.
My mind is in a muddle. I am used to remembering all of the little details, but these facts now allude me. It doesn't have to be that way. Next December, I want to know that I've been present in my life. Present for my husband, my son, my cats, and anyone else I meet along the way. I want clarity.