Stopping the Cycle

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta) (Reverb 10 - Day 2)

This is a difficult topic, as I do not think of myself as a writer. Nor do I write everyday. Unless you count twitter, which really should not be counted as "writing." I do very little during the day. I do the same things almost every day, the same way every single time. I need to stop doing this SAME thing. It's very late now as I write this. Every single night, I stay up way too late, trying to catch a moment to think for myself. Clearly. Without screaming in the background (or foreground, as the case may be).

Unfortunately, the cycle of what tomorrow will be begins with sleep, or lack thereof. When I don't sleep well or long, I wake up angry and irritable. And rushed. Can I change it for tomorrow? As I go to sleep, late once again, I realize that no, in fact, tomorrow has already begun and I am still in the cycle.

I must stop the cycle of madness. I must attempt to get out of the rut I have made for myself, and do MORE everyday. Have more fun, more excitement, more to write and talk about. The question, of course, is how to begin? Get to bed earlier, wake up earlier - just a bit, everyday. Baby steps.

2010 in a word - Muddle

One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Reverb 10, Day 1)

I only heard about Reverb 10 just two days ago, so I am a little behind on my prompts.

Why "muddle?" The word seems to encompass all that I've felt throughout the year. Muddle has a feel to it. Don't you just feel the plodding, the uncertainty, the confusion just reading the word, saying it to yourself? I do.

2010 began with a whimper, a whine, and a seriously muddled mind. Anger. Lack of sleep. Frustration. I was struggling not to take my feelings out on my husband and son. My son, who was not sleeping more than twenty minutes at a time in his crib, was an adorable, but frustrating creature continually mocking my need for peace, quiet, and alone time.

Somehow, some way, sanity prevailed. We all began getting more sleep.

Although I was less angry, I continued to be frustrated. When do I get to THINK?

The year has been punctuated by brief bursts of energy as I try to jam little bits of something into the nooks and crannies of my days. Everything I did was rushed. Taking photographs, I'd cut corners, forget to wait for the "right" moment, fail to set things up exactly as I desired, and ultimately, end up rushing dinner, yelling at my child, forgetting the groceries, knocking my camera off the desk. You name it. I put off doing important things like the doctor, the vet, making dinner, changing the oil in the car, cleaning the house. I would make grocery lists only to lose them seconds before walking out the door. I would cut coupons only to have them sit unused for months in my bag. I would run out the door without wipes, diapers, water. And often, I would run out the door LATE.

My mind is in a muddle. I am used to remembering all of the little details, but these facts now allude me. It doesn't have to be that way. Next December, I want to know that I've been present in my life. Present for my husband, my son, my cats, and anyone else I meet along the way. I want clarity.

Bittersweet November

My favorite photo from our wedding reception

Sadly, the best photo from our wedding of the two of us together!

My husband and I were married seven years ago today. It was a cold Monday evening in Sedona - and I was rather chilly in that strapless gown! I do wish we had better photos from our wedding day. In fact, I wish we had more photos of the two of us together, in general. There aren't many. The reception was small, at a lovely restaurant with beautiful old imported doors (of which we have no photos...) and wonderful food. The blurry photo captures the energy and vibe of that night rather well. It's blurry, and not really a great photo, but it's definitely my favorite.

November has always been rather packed with activity - both my sister and I were born the week of Thanksgiving, then of course there's the Thanksgiving holiday itself. Then we added a wedding into the mix. And my husband's birthday is also in November.

So, my mother-in-law, who was a really wonderful person, died yesterday. The day before our anniversary. She was ill for a very long time, so it was not entirely unexpected. I just wish my son had had the chance to know her better. 

Bittersweet. 

sometimes the day seems dark, despite the sun

darkness

Ah, back before the days had become so short, and the trees still had their green leaves. Today was warm and sunny. I am thankful.

More Impossible Daisies

Another Impossible Project photo I took of my gerbera daisies before they wilted completely. The reason I took the photo at this angle? Anya ate a large chunk of one of those flowers overnight. Anya would be my demon cat, named after a character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ok, really, she isn't a demon cat - but she is a bit crazy. In a good way.

Just for kicks - what is it with people putting these weird reflective balls in their yards and gardens? I just don't get it. This one is sitting on a bird bath, but somehow, I suspect the birds don't get much out of it.

oh, daisy!

Ah, gerbera daisies! Some of my favorite flowers. I absolutely had to have gerbera daisies in some of the flower arrangements at my wedding, too. These aren't quite as colorful in the photo as they were in person - WERE. Yes, they've already drooped and lost many of their petals. It's possible that I know absolutely nothing about keeping potted flowers alive inside my home.

So this photo was taken a couple of weeks ago with Impossible Project PX70 first flush film. Although I enjoy using the film, I'm definitely excited about the next incarnation of the color film!

Stifled by Indecision

Last month while I was looking through some boxes (ok, yes, I was looking for something I'd lost), I found an old sketchbook. I started it in 2003, but used it for several years, as I'm not a prolific artist.

Why am I stifled by indecision? My guess is fear and too much stuff. Just saying. I wish I had successful shedding of stuff to report, but alas, I do not! I am working on it slowly, but I get stuck often.

Where do you put the stuff you want to get rid of? When you have a toddler - don't put it on the floor, that's for sure. I don't have any extra rooms or closets (I mean, really, people - if I have a problem with stuff, do you think I have space to organize? nope).

I kind of wish I could have one of those organizer people from The Hoarders show on TLC. She could come over and just ask me what should be done with this item or that, and you know, put it in a pile somewhere that I haven't thought of yet. Or in her car.

Although I'd like to sell some things, rather than throw them out, I'm getting a lot closer to just wanting some of this junk out NOW. Which means it's going to end up sitting in the alley soon unless I feel like spending the time listing it on craigslist or ebay.

Today's Shed Tally:

• 1 wool coat
• 1 cotton jacket 
• 1 down vest
• listed four books for sale on Amazon
• listed several books on paperbackswap

Last week: Organized the entry closet (although it could still use some purging)

So - some progress made! I just wish the progress were more... palpable?