Originally, I had intended to post about worthiness last week. I delayed a bit, and here we are - late as usual! I am feeling rather un-worthy this week. This year. These past few years. I'm sure I'll snap out of it at some point. I can't say that hormones help with my feelings of worthiness. When I think of being worthy, I am reminded of Alanis Morissette's song "That I Would Be Good."
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
(lyrics by Alanis Morissette)
Money and beauty are not what make us worthy (or happy, for that matter). I understand that in my head, but my heart does not always agree with the logic of the argument.
I am a terrible cook? completely disorganized? an inadequate mother and wife?
I am lonely? without friends? forget birthdays, and send holiday cards too late?
And what if, like today, I don't realize my kid is sick? I took him out to the park, took a bunch of photos, just thinking he was a bit tired and he'd snap out of it.
He really enjoyed the birdies and squirrels that were out and about in abundance, enjoying spring.
You know, I think we'll be ok. I think we're ok now. Even if I have to spend all night holding him in a chair to get him some sleep. Even if I don't get any sleep tonight. Even if those polaroids I shot today aren't super awesome. Even if I don't get the dishes finished before falling into bed. Even if I sometimes talk too much, say too much.
I'm feeling more worthy already.
Wouldn't you know it, but my Epiphanie Ginger bag has a Polaroid-sized pocket. See that pocket right there? Yep, great place for those photographs I shot today.